The Sexy Side of the Moon
by Doctor Sexy
Summary: God sends Cas on a special mission to make Dean Winchester's heaven perfect. Dean's idea of perfect is having sex with Cas. Cas can't understand for the life of him what's going on. Sort of a crackfic.


_Bang._

Dean Winchester woke up with no idea where he was. He was sitting on the floor of an elegant looking bedroom. There was a canopy bed with pink covers, a hot tub, and a full bar in the room.

_Bang. Bang. Bang._

Dean looked to the source of the booming noise. It was Cas kneeling on the ground beside the bed.

"What are you doing?" Dean asked.

"I'm not sure," Cas said. "I didn't fully understand the instructions. I was supposed to come here and do a number of things. One of them had something to do with nailing and a bed…" Cas looked confused as always. "At first I thought he said 'Nail Dean on the bed.' But that can't be right. That sounds painful and unnecessary. I don't understand why you would enjoy that. So I figure I should nail the bed to the ground."

"Wait, what?" Dean asked. "Someone told you to nail me? Who told you that?"

"God," Cas said, a serene smile forming on his face. "He's only ever spoken to a handful of angels, and he came to me with this, it's very important."

"So…" Dean said. "Let me get this straight. God himself spoke to you, so he could tell you to nail me."

"Well, not just that," Cas said. "There are many things I'm going to do for you."

Dean went to the sink and splashed his face with water and looked into the mirror angstily. "I must be dreaming."

"No," Cas said. "We're in heaven."

"Heaven!" Dean said happily. "That's why this is too good to be true."

"Don't worry, it's real," Cas said. "Now how about we get started with this list?" He pulled out a scroll that fell down to the floor. "Okay. Nail the bed, check." He crossed this off the list.

"Cas, that's not what God meant. God wanted you to nail me, sweetheart," Dean said. "Wow that's got to be either the best or worst pickup line ever!"

"But that sounds painful," Cas said.

Dean hit his face with his palm. "No, Cas what he meant was that you should umm… plow me."

"I'm almost positive that is not what he meant," Cas said. "Now what should we do next? I'm supposed to blow you."

A wicked grin spread across Dean's face. "That sounds fun. Let's do that."

Cas took a deep breath and exhaled over Dean's face. He repeated this time breathing over Dean's abdomen.

"Okay, Cas that's great but how about you go a little lower and use some tongue?"

Cas got on his knees and stuck his tongue out flailing it wildly as he blew. Dean started to undo his pants, but Cas quickly got up.

"Cas," Dean whined. "You're ruining heaven."

Cas looked confused and sad. "I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Let's do some more. How about I, um, get you a beer and… go in the hot tub with you."

"Sure," Dean said. But he wanted a bit more than a beer. Suddenly Cas and Dean were sitting in the hot tub, Dean fully nude, and Cas wearing nothing but his trench coat.

"Now that's what I'm talking about," Dean said, as Cas handed him a beer. _Screw Cas's list and his hilarious misinterpretations of it._ He went in for Cas's lips and met them with his. He grabbed the angel's face with his hands and made love to Cas's mouth with his tongue.

"Mmm," Cas said. "How did you know sensual kissing was next on the list?"

"Lucky guess," Dean said, staring erotically into his lover's eyes. "What now?"

The list poofed into Cas's hands and rolled down into the hot tub. "Hmm… how about a shoulder rub?"

Dean sighed. "Okay." He turned around and Cas poofed up some lotion and rubbed it on Dean's shoulders in a slow massage. "Oh, yeah, baby. Don't stop."

Cas stuck his tongue in Dean's ear and wiggled it. "Cas that's weird. Don't do that," Dean said unconvincingly as he giggled.

"It's on the list," Cas said.

"Huh, I guess God knows about that…" Dean said embarrassed.

"God knows _everything_," Cas said.

"_Everything_? And umm… did he tell you _everything_?" Dean asked.

Cas nodded. "He told me everything I needed to know to make your heaven perfect. Some of them struck me as a little funny. I mean, why would you want me to dress as a French maid?"

He poofed out of the hot tub and into a French Maid costume -of course his trench coat on top. "Am, I supposed to clean?" Cas proceeded to use his feather duster to dust off nearby surfaces.

"Oh, yeah," Dean said. "That's sexy. Now how about you polish my rod?"

"What rod?" Cas asked.

"The one in my pants," Dean said.

"You're not wearing pants," Cas pointed out. "Oh, I get it. This is a practical joke. Good one, Dean."

Dean groaned. "Cas, do you understand anything?"

"I don't understand," Cas said, poofing out of his French maid costume, so he was wearing nothing but his trench coat. "Now I have to… lick your balls?" Cas walked over to Dean and licked one of his eyeballs, then the other.

"What the fuck, Cas?" Dean asked. "That's not what that means at all."

Cas started to tear up and he walked away from Dean. "I don't understand. I'm doing everything I can to make you happy. Why are you getting mad at me?"

Dean got up out of the hot tub and walked over to Cas and held him tight. "Sweetie, I'm not mad. I'm so sorry I yelled at you. Donn't be sad. Forgive me?" Cas nodded and Dean wiped his tears away. "Hey, it's okay. How about we…" He scanned the list for something Cas might enjoy. "Cuddle naked? Wouldn't that be nice?"

"Dean," Cas said super seriously. "That means I would have to take off my trench coat."

Dean stared into Cas's eyes. "Yes, you would. Do you think you could do that?"

Cas started to pull at the shoulder of his trench coat. "Wait!" Dean said. "Put some sexy music on while you strip."

Suddenly Cherry Pie was playing, and Cas did the shortest striptease ever, because he was only wearing a trench coat. Basically, it was just him awkwardly trying to get his arms out of the trench coat, because he had never actually done that before.

"Oh, yeah. That's hot," Dean said, licking his lips. Cas blushed a deep red. Dean went over and laid on the princess canopy bed. "Come here, Sugar." Cas came and laid next to him and Dean snuggled up close and held him. Dean sighed happily. "Now this is heaven."

The pair of them just laid there cuddling for a long time before Cas decided it was time to move on with the list. "Next... we're supposed to play hide the salami? I've never heard of that game before. Why would we hide salami? Is it some sort of variation of hide and seek?"

Dean took the pillow and pretended to asphyxiate himself.

"You can't kill yourself, you're already dead," Cas pointed out.

Dean looked up as if to the heavens… if he weren't already in heaven. "Seriously God? You go to all this effort to make my heaven awesome and you can't even explain to Cas what sex is?"

"Sex?" Cas said. "You want to have sex? I didn't see that one on the list."

"Cas, virtually everything on the list means sex!" Dean said.

"Wait… Dean are you serious?" Cas said. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

Dean shook his head. "I tried to tell you, but you don't understand that I meant sex!"

"I know what sex is," Cas said proudly. "It's when two people love each other and express their love by… umm… making love?"

"Cas," Dean said. "You don't know what sex is, do you?"

"Is it like a naked hug?" Cas asked.

"Umm… sort of," Dean said. "Don't worry, I'll teach you how."

Cas smiled and rested his head on Dean's shoulder. "I love you, Dean."

"I love you, too, Cas," Dean said. Then they had awesome sex and lived (well technically Dean was dead) happily ever after.

* * *

**A/N: I hope you guys liked this! I had tons of fun writing it. Just so you know, God's Number 1 Priority: Getting Dean Winchester laid. If you liked it please review, it'll make my day.**


End file.
